In which I put two and two together and want to throw up

You know that feeling where you finally figure something out and you feel like a damn idiot for not seeing it sooner?  You know how that is immediately followed by an intense desire to kick your own ass for about a week?

Yeah, welcome to my world.

So, I've been unemployed since May, and I've sent about forty-five resumes out, filled out countless online applications, and put my information out on careerbuilders.com and chilijobs.com.  (Monster has gotten damn near unweildly with its new design.)  And, yet, I've gotten only a handful of hits.  It's been driving me nuts.  I've never gone this long without a job, and I could not for the life of me figure out what I was doing wrong.  Now, granted, before, most of my jobs came to me through temp agencies, but honestly, those have really lower their standards here lately.  I'm registered with at least four of them.  I've had two call, and then had zero response from them when it comes to phone or email.  I've pretty much given up on the agencies.  (I applied at one more today.  Last chance for them to prove to me they haven't all gone down the toilet.)

Still, with all this, I'm getting nothing but those lousy insurance sales jobs contacting me.  (One was a guy with a thick Indian accent named "Steve".  Seriously, you fool no one.)  Now, desperate as I am, I am no salesperson.  I don't like pushy sales people shoving products down my throat, so it's nearly impossible for me to do the same.  I simply couldn't live with myself.  Despite that, where are the legit job offers?  I know the economy has reached a level of suckage usually reserved for black holes, but there are jobs.  I mean, see the above paragraph at the amount of work I've spent putting in for them.  Granted, the competition is fierce, but surely something should've panned out by now, right?

It's been incredibly frustrating and amazingly depressing.  I am starting to consider many things like fast food and selling an organ.  (I actually looked into selling my eggs, I kid you not.  I'm too old.)  Something has to give.

Well, taking some advice from my mom (Hi, Mom!), I started following up on a few places that offer ways to earn money working from home like odesk.com and elance.com.  I've actually been stuck on odesk.com ever since trying to get my profile filled out and do all the things they say I should do to increase my chances of getting projects.  It might not be much, but it might mean a few bucks coming in, which is better than nothing.

I, also, started checking out Tory Johnson's site from "Good Morning America" for tips and tricks to get noticed.  It was while reading how to tweak a resume that an epiphany walked in and smacked me around for about an hour: what if my resume sucks?

I went back and read it again.  And, again.  And, again.  I found three errors that made me want to walk into five o'clock traffic.  That's when it really started to hit home that, yes, Virginia, my resume really isn't that good.

As that feeling of doom sunk in, before my brain truly noticed and forced me to crawl under my bed and cry, I started looking into professional resume writers.  (Career Builders can kiss my ass with that $230 price tag.)  I found one that got good reviews and didn't charge overly much, so I hired them.  (An investment that will pay for itself it they can give me a resume that lands me a job.)

The first thing they did was send me a questionnaire that basically is a means to gather as much information about my employment history and skills as possible.  Under work history, they basically ask you to describe your work day, which seems strange but as I filled it out I realized that I did a lot more than I was giving myself credit for on my own resume.  It took me two hours to fill it all out.  By the time I got to the question about what I felt was wrong with my resume, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I had to admit it to myself.  I write a lousy resume.

I laughed about it with Mom, but in truth, I've spent the last few hours wanting to brain myself with a hammer for not figuring this shit out sooner.  Yeah, it's true that it's better than not figuring it out at all or figuring it out when it's much too late.  I still have time to salvage this, but, still, this could've saved me a lot of time and effort if I had seen this two months ago.

Yay for slap-yourself-on-the-forehead moments!

So, with fingers crossed, prayers being said, and held breath, I wait to see what they send me back.  Maybe it will help.  It sure as hell won't hurt.

Until then, anyone in the market for a kidney?

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I've even considered the phone sex industry.  Oh, sure, I would have to pretend to be turned on by a guy who wants to be spanked with a houseplant, but hey, if it's steady pay...