(I originally wrote this for Tumblr (1/29/13), but I wanted to make sure it was here as well.)
You see, I have severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Have had it since childhood. It runs in the women of my family, but for me, it has been severely exasperated over the last couple of years by certain life situations that have been truly on the level of "What The Fuck?"
Most of my friends and family have given me clues recently that they know I tread water between life and suicide... (I can't sleep, but I can't keep sleeping pills around because there is a voice that tells me how easy it would be to take care of the pain if I just take all the pills...)
Every day that I get out of bed is a victory. Every day that I don't consider suicide is a triumph. Most people don't understand this. They don't understand how a chronically anxious, depressive mind can turn the simplest situations into a crippling scenario. They don't understand that some days you literally shut down and other days you wish you could shut down forever...
And, of that is what the post reminded me. It reminded me of a universal truth about all of those with any chronic disorder. I would like to take a moment to express that truth, especially to all those who think they "understand" us and/or "fix" us:
You well-meaning assholes with your "tough love" or "understanding" think we can "just get over it." Holy fuck! Do you honestly think we want to be this way? Do you not stop and think for half a second that if we could flip a fucking internal switch and "get over it" we would do it gladly? No one wants to wake up each and every day counting reasons to stay alive alongside reasons to get out of the bed. No one wants to be curled up in fear of what new horror the day might bring. No one wants to be so crippled by self-loathing it creates a sincere fear of meeting others because we've already passed their own judgement for them. No, of course, it doesn't make sense to you, but it also doesn't make sense to us either. If we could make sense out of it and make it go away, we would. Until then, stop trying to "fix" or "understand" us and just fucking hold and listen to us. Be a reason on our "to live" list.
We didn't choose these paths. We're just trying to survive them.